I am SOFA KING! I am SOFA KING! I am so-fa-king HIGH ON HUGS!
I am not high on drugs. I have not relapsed!
I have however been on hiatus for a while now from the blogosphere. It has been quite some time since I have hopped on here to write or to read any of the blogs I follow. Actually the last blog I wrote was for my acceptance of The Sunshine Award. Again big thanks to my sweet friend Maggie for the nomination. I have numerous excuses for why I have not written. But as we all know excuses are like assholes…
Everybody has one and they all stink. Hahahaha
I have had many things happen in my life since I last posted. Life on Life’s terms is not always the sunshine and moonbeams with cherries on top I had hoped it would be when I quit drinking and drugging. I’ll be damned, life still happens regardless of what’s going on with me. Somehow I always manage to forget that the universe does not revolve around me. How the hell that is even possible is beyond me but apparently it is a scientifically proven fact.
As many of you who know me or have gotten to know me through reading my blog know, I’m what they (who are ‘they’ anyhow?) call a dual-diagnosis. Technically I’m more of a quadra-diagnosis but I don’t think that one is in the medical books yet. I like to think I’m unique though. Basically what a dual-diagnosis means is I am an addict AND I have a mental disability (doesn’t that sound so politically correct?)
Yeah, I’m a recovering addict whose drug of choice is more of whatever you’ve got who also has ADHD and is bi-polar. There that was way easier.
Sometimes brutal honesty is just way easier than trying to be eloquent!
Jeez, and after all that I have nowhere even neared any kind of point here.
SOFA KING excuse me!
After learning I was pregnant I had to immediately stop taking all medication for both my ADHD and Bipolar as it could be harmful if not fatal for by unborn son. I was pretty nervous about doing so. One of the things that really stuck with me from the amazing Dual-Diagnosis Treatment Center I attended was that relapse was very common in bipolar addicts whom had stopped taking their meds! I was really scared but had no other option. I did however stay close with my doctors, my sponsor, my 12 step group, friends, and family. What happened was actually pretty dang nuts, this coming from me (laugh out loud)…
I was more “normal” “even” “balanced” “mentally stable” whatever wording you wish, while I was pregnant. My long time doctor & friends all noticed as well. My husband always thinks I’m crazy so he’s not a fair read of my mental well-being (hehehe)
Anyways, blah, blah, blah, I have sidetracked on a massive ‘bunny trail’ as my therapist calls what I’m doing. Sidetracking off on another story forgetting the main story.
oh and I was wearing this really awesome shirt, ohh and that song that was playing, you know the one, it goes DAH DADADAD Bada bada, with that really cute guy that plays the drums, I think his mom is an actress, she’s in that movie…Oh my god I remember the 1st time I saw that movie! I had on the most badass boots!
Wait Shit, ADHD! I’m in the middle of writing a blog and trying to tell you a story of why I haven’t been blogging and all my excuses correct?
This is just a brief taste of how confusing it is to be in my world!
It is SOFA KING exhausting at times!
Not only for me but for everyone in my life!
Ok. Long Story Short. Why do only long-winded folks like myself say that AND only after we’ve already gone on the long side?
My son just turned 2 and my bipolar has returned. I had a few red flags for about 6 months but quite frankly was having some fear about admitting it to anyone.
- I like the mania. It’s basically like me on cocaine I clean, organize, get a lot accomplished, don’t eat, barely sleep, etc
- I did not want to go back on meds for multiple reasons,mainly the side effects
- I was hoping I was falsely diagnosed all those years ago and I really wasn’t “crazy”, I just had a hormone imbalance
Well as I’ve learned in recovery, your secrets keep you sick, and I eventually faced those fears and started getting honest with myself and everybody else. I am not crazy (in that sense of the word) and I am not the only person in the world who has this combination of challenges. Yes, I’ve said many times in my life,
“I SOFA KING want to be normal!”
But as my dear friend Jackson always tells me, ” Clairey, Normal is a setting on a washing machine.”
Ironically my washing machine ‘normal setting’ says ‘slow/fast’ under it which pretty much sums us bipolar kids up or manic/depressive as it used to be called.
I am back on meds and my shrink is very cool and understands the importance to me about being on low doses. I don’t want to lose my personality or be a zombie. But I also want to function a little bit more evenly. Diabetics need insulin. Bipolar Clairey needs mood stabilizers. It is what it is. She also understands the disease of addiction very well and is not a pharmaceutical narcotics pusher like some psychiatrists I have seen. Not judging those who are. Oh hell yes I am! Hello? Oh you have a problem with drugs and alcohol? Here, take a xanax. I know I’m not a Dr.Well I play one on the TV in my head! LOL. JOKING!
That is only my opinion and I will leave it at that…
But having these mental challenges is not all bad stuff. Some of my greatest gifts are partially attributed to having the brain I have! Which brings me to my next excuse.
When I started blogging I came in as I always do with my ‘projects’ full throttle. I was receiving positive feedback, making new friends, feeling like I was helping people and being of service, doing my best to give back what was so freely given to me, feeling good about myself, enjoying utilizing my brain, having fun being creative, just all around loving the whole process of blogging!
And then it started to happen.
I SOFA KING wanted MORE!
I wanted more followers so I could help more people. So I started reading about how to get more blog traffic. The common suggestion was to start commenting and participating on other blogs with similar topics. I learned that blogging is not a competition but a team effort with a great sense of community and support, no matter what the topic. I found all sorts of great recovery bloggers from all over the world. I started commenting on their blogs. Let me tell you, if you did not know this already, we sober folks are most definitely NOT a glum LOT! But soon all this reading became a chore. As previously stated I lose focus quickly and I’m easily distracted to boot. Add all that to the equation and I’m defeated.
Then there is my perfectionism. I wanted my blog page to look awesome and I don’t like the way it looks. I don’t have the money to pay someone to fancy it up. My dad, who I have lovingly dubbed the computer genius has been my admin for my blog since the start. He is so smart and good at the complete opposite things that I am that we make a pretty good team together. Well, with the exception of our mutual struggles with communicating with each other ;0) The problem is that I’m impatient and an ungrateful butthead and he’s a code-writer and not a graphic designer! Oh and I’m a spoiled brat and a control freak and want it my way. But other than that…
So then I got what we call in AA a massive case of the Fuck-It’s
Blogging had lost it’s fun and had become work.
What did that last line just say?
LOST IT’S FUN AND BECOME WORK
Remember that statement. Hopefully I will too and we’ll revisit this in a bit.
I spoke to you earlier about how I came into blogging like I do all of my projects full throttle and also how I have lots of gifts. What you do not know and what is terribly hard for me to put down in black and white, as it seems terribly more embarrassing this way, is that I have been fired from every single job that I have ever had. With the exception of the jobs where I owned the business and I was the boss , and I should have fired my own damn self! This is not what or why you might think. This has been the case in sobriety as well. I am on good if not great terms and or friends with all of my ex employers and bosses. I have literally been told almost the same thing, verbatim, time after time,
“Clairey, you are so good with the customers, you are so creative, you are so energetic, you’re a great sales person…but then you just stopped”
I did the same thing with my gardening business, Sassy Gardens, two different times in two different states
and then again with my jewelry business, Jewelry by Sassy
(my maiden name is Sasser in case you were wondering why all the Sass)
I called my mom yesterday as I wanted a massive bitching/venting/emotional/hormonal/cry session about all my personal frustrations and as she’s the best mom in the whole world she listened. I spoke about my financial situation (that I’m not contributing to my family), my serious weight problem, my lack of self purpose (sans titles meaning who is Clairey?) and sharing about how there should be a way I could make money on one of my creative skills which would kill 2 birds with one stone. Being creative, whether it be beading jewelry, making hula-hoops, writing, whatever, makes me feel very complete. I just can’t seem to succeed at anything. I have great ideas often and tons of people agree and are supportive but I inevitably fail. Often I don’t even attempt at starting something or following a dream or an idea because based on my history…
WHY EVEN BOTHER?
I have also learned from my sobriety that my past can be my greatest asset.
The 9th step promises in the AA BB pg 84 says,
“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”
One of many gifts that I have received by being in recovery is awareness.
While talking with my mom that gift of awareness came into play. I realized, and here is where I will bring back that statement I told you to remember, my greatest obstacle in every job, project or task I have ever started is that as soon as it had
LOST IT’S FUN AND BECOME WORK
I stopped doing it. Whether I got tired, depressed, lost motivation, whatever it was, I quit. Apparently,
I was SOFA KING over whatever ‘it’ was.
Alright, now we’re on to something! Now I have something to work with! I’ve identified some unmanageability. I’ve gotten honest with myself, my Higher Power and you folks reading this. I’ve looked at some assets and some defects. I made an appt yesterday with someone who might be able to help me or make some suggestions on how or who could help me as far my ‘job’ struggles go. I went to therapy today and asked for what I needed for help and support therapeutically on the same topic as well. I called a few friends to start the process in taking action in that area of the process. I have asked for support from my husband. I have also prayed and meditated today as well as everyday but today particularly in asking for help in my process in finding my life’s purpose.
So WHAT, you may ask, IS THE SOLUTION ?
Well… I do not know! I do know, that today,because I am clean/sober I am willing to ask for help. I am willing to admit I don’t know! I am open to suggestions. I am aware of what works and what doesn’t and what potentially might! These my friends are all miracles! None of this would even be close to happening if I was back out there running and gunning and drinking and using. I wouldn’t be married or be a mom. I wouldn’t be calling my mom and actually listening to her. My dad most definitely would not be the admin of a blog I wrote.
I started tackling my bipolar stuff a few weeks ago and I’m making progress with that. I’m making a bit of leeway with my weight issues as well, and realize this will take a bit longer than I wish. So here I am again, stripping yet another layer of the virtual onion peel off for y’all . Hopefully in the process of me peeling off that layer maybe you’ll see a little similarity in your layers as well. Maybe you’ll see that hey, there is someone in the world that’s a bit like me! Hell she’s even quite a bit nuttier than me but I can totally relate to her feelings. Maybe we can also share in some similar solutions. Maybe I’ll comment on her blog post so she won’t wait so long before she post the next blog because she gets so sensitive and discouraged ;0)
I AM SOFA KING GRATEFUL TO BE HIGH ON HUGS
and NOT drugs.
I want to give a special Thanks to my Mom who encouraged me to write a blog this week. Ironically she hates the F word more than anything so it’s actually pretty funny I decided to use the Sofa King Title this week. Love you Mom hehehehehe
Thanks to my husband Cody who gave me the idea to write a blog about why I haven’t been blogging (1434)
and To my amazing Computer Genius of a Father…
I SOFA KING LOVE YOU DADDY!
NOW for all of you reading this I want you to tell me