“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” – Nelson Mandela
How many hours, days, weeks, months, even years, yes years have I squandered away carrying resentments? I am embarrassed to even guess. Often in my active addiction I would drink or use AT people. That wasn’t very effective.
Today through practicing a program of recovery things are a bit different. Steps 4 and 5 and step 10 help me beyond measure. After doing my first round of steps I learned many valuable pieces of insight as to how I operate. Having this information has remained a valuable tool. Today I am quicker to see where I was wrong and how I played a part in whatever resentment I have going on. 1 finger pointing out and 3 pointing at me. My resentments today are easier to let go. Through applying the steps I am able to see what is causing this pain and ask God to step in.
For me, it generally boils down to two main things; Fear and selfishness. Yes, those can be broken down into more specific character defects, of course, but they are my root flaws. My fears of not being good enough, people not liking me or accepting me, losing something or not getting what I want cloud my mind often. My selfishness is where judgment enters and 9 times out of 10 a resentment is formed in this area. My jealousies and insecurities take over and I play the victim filled with anger.
“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.” – Big Book, pg. 66.
Fortunately, I have a choice and can start my day over at any given time. I can once again turn my will and my life over to my higher power. That is where my hope and spiritual progress is renewed and I once again find gratitude. After all, love and tolerance of others is our code. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” – Big Book, pg. 85.