Hi, my name is Clairey and I’m addicted to nicotine. I am powerless over cigarettes and my life has become unmanageable. I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity and I’ve been turning my will and my life over to this power….EVERY 5 MINUTES!! Good grief. Yup, all these 24 hours at a time later and multiple attempts to quit and stay quit off the smokes I’m back at Step 1, 2, & 3. Again. [Read more…]
Feeling lots of feelings this month. Another friend of mine has passed away. We had been friends for twenty years. He was married to another friend of mine from my early years here in Jackson Hole and they have 2 beautiful young boys. I drove up to Montana to say goodbye. Lots of crying, singing, praying and talking to God on my drive. I was honored to bid him adieu by singing Amazing Grace at his service. I love singing that song even though I get terrible stage fright. Such powerful words especially for this addict/alcoholic. Grief is such a strange thing. We all seem to process it in such different ways. [Read more…]
Yesterday after my noon meeting I headed to therapy. I absolutely adore my therapist, by the way. I went through 3 different therapist after my longtime therapist left and I’m so glad I did because I love this lady! When we first started getting to know one another she asked me why was I still coming after all these years and still sober and doing 12 step meetings as well. My reply was quite simple and I basically told her I felt therapy was another great tool for me to utilize and there’s always something I want to learn, grow, expand on about myself as an individual.
A sober sister of mine asked me a few years back, “who is Clairey” of course I responded with a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother. She then said,” who is Clairey without all the titles?” I had no reply.
So this was my therapeutic goal to be set. My therapist and I put it in black and white and I see her almost every week. I was sharing with her some realizations I’ve had and some goals I’d like to somehow put into action. A few things that really make me happy and I enjoy greatly. After sharing this with her she asked me, “what do all those things have in common?”
My reply was, “Me!?!”
I was most definitely pleased with my response but it was not the response she was looking for and asked me again.
“What do all of these things have in common?”
Starring blankly at her I asked,”what?” She said they all involve helping others! Well, gosh darn it she was right.
To be continued….
Everyone can be great because everyone can serve
~ Martin Luther King Jr.
I’ve not written in some time. I can’t believe I actually thought my life would be boring without drinking and using! That being said, I’ve been soaking up the sun, finally, here in Wyoming. I’ve been busy enjoying life, trying to go to more meetings, loving my 2-year-old son, loving my husband, working with sponsees, calling my sponsor, and trying to balance it all!
Feeling as if I’ve unwillingly put my blog on hold I thought, “Why not include some different perspectives on life in recovery?”
So…I did one of the things I’ve learned to do in recovery… I ASKED FOR HELP!
I am truly blessed in so many ways. The following is written by one of these blessings, a friend, and partner in recovery, Ashley Bell.
I love you Ashley. Thank you for your willingness to write a blog for us & not only talking the talk… but walking, hiking, singing, and living it as well.You have what I want….. ” The third step prayer has much meaning to me. It was the first thing I ever read out of the big book. I had booked myself into a treatment center when I was 17. I had lived in the same small town and rarely left town unless there was a reliable supply of booze around. After a few times when people would ask me to share or things would go wrong with the people I was with I decided that staying home in my parent’s basement was the safest most reliable choice to make. Beside I could stop carrying around the paper with my contact info in case someone found me dead, I was a bit dramatic but practical. So I checked myself into a treatment center in the big city. Alone, surrounded by kids as crazy as me, and I had no idea how to be there. I was crying in my room one night about 2 nights in to my 35 day stay and a counselor came in. He showed me the third step prayer. I read it. For the first time I tapped into a power greater than me. I did not know what to do with it other than show up. What I know now and did not at the time was… it set in motion a pattern of living for my life, to which I have clung to through many, many hardships and blessings.
When I first arrived they had me under watch because they were afraid I would ‘off’ myself in the shower. By the end they were putting bad kids in my room because I caught the buzz, to be had here in the rooms, as a result of the steps. Result of the prayer I prayed at the beginning, I think so. Fast forward, many 4th steps, step 9’s and endless hours on the phone with my people and I’m in the car in Yellowstone National park and from the back seat comes my 4 year olds voice, “pray about difficulties”. My husband, who is also sober, and I start deciphering what that means. Asking many questions my husband realizes he’s talking about the 3rd step prayer. “Take away my difficulties”. You see my husband and I had been praying that prayer every morning in the car on our way to the adventure of the day all week we were on vacation and many times before that. We had no idea he was listening. Raising kids sober is about as real as it gets. This is the time in my life I have had to work the hardest on my program out side of meetings. I don’t get to as many as I want to, I don’t go to as many functions as I used to and I don’t remember to do my daily inventory as much as I could. What do I get in exchange? I get the spiritual assignment of raising another human being while I stay clean and sober. My victories over my difficulties are shown every day when I make a mistake. I get to own up to them in front of these little people who watch my every move and demonstrate what true humility is. And also what true happiness is. I don’t have to pretend things are not happening.I don’t have lie to them. I answer their questions honestly and treat them with the respect they deserve. The third step prayer started me off to a pretty good start, kept me sober from that day to this, connected my husband and I on more than one occasion, and has now brought our son into the realm of a solution greater than himself. He has asked us to pray for him many times over the last 4 years, at least since he’s been able to talk. This was the first time he’s used our tools directly. What a gift to raise a family in a home based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions. That day I prayed this prayer for the first time all I wanted was the pain to stop. I had no idea what was waiting for me down the road. If I got what I deserve I would be dead. If I got what I wanted I would have sold myself short. Today I have a life that is filled with relentless service, but as they say you have to give it away to keep it right? I’ve been sober 13 years. Haven’t drank since my first meeting. People say to me all the time I wish I would have gotten sober as young as you. What I know is that idea keeps me separate from my fellows today, I’m grateful to be sober at all.” Ashley Bell
God, I offer myself to Thee, to
Build with me and to do with my as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
That I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
That victory over them may bear witness to
Those I would help of Thy power,
Thy love, and Thy way of life.
May I do thy will always!”
(BB page 63)
I am happy to be writing again. I owe it to my friend Maggie at Sober Courage . We have a lot in common other than being sober and words can not express how grateful I am to have found her. Whether you are in recovery or not, wondering if you want to get sober/clean or have someone you know that is in recovery or is struggling, it is my belief reading Maggie’s blog Sober Courage can give you some answers and hope. Check her out! She has nominated me for “THE SUNSHINE AWARD”. Thanks Maggie, I’m honored!
What is different about this day is I did so with no regrets, unlike my morning 6 years ago.
I had relapsed on my 90th day. That night after a meeting I drank 1 & 1/2 glasses of wine. I didn’t get drunk, but what I did do is something totally stupid.
You see when I checked myself into rehab 90 days prior as a cocaine addict and a self medicated manic-depressive (with more manic tendencies) and ADHD, I didn’t want to stop drinking and smoking pot. I just wanted to not be a slave to cocaine anymore.
I didn’t have a drinking problem.
Hello, I wore a complete hole in my septum from snorting so much cocaine and then started cooking up crack cause my nose hurt too bad..
I’m a coke head not an ALCOHOLIC! Jeez people! [Read more…]
I too was cold and frozen in the beginning. I started to find comfort on my new-found path and my past started to melt away. My fears and awkward feelings slowly dripped down. Wait! This is uncomfortable! I’m not ready to let go of all these defects. They have been a part of me for so long. I don’t know how to function without them. I am unwilling and lacking faith. [Read more…]
A few weeks ago I shared a video I had seen on my High on Hugs Facebook page.
It was an interview with Mathew Perry. In my opinion he did an excellent job of describing the disease of addiction/alcoholism.
He was in quite the heated debate with a fellow named Peter Hitchens.
I will not give you my personal opinion on the Hitchens fellow. My parents told me if I don’t have anything nice to say, I probably shouldn’t say ‘it’ at all! That being said, I’ll let you all form your own opinion of the douche bag. OOPS!
The video had me enraged to say the least. I feel any of you reading this who are or have been in active addiction would agree as well. Here is the link to the debate ► 11:31► 11:31 www.youtube.com/w… Dec 16, 2013
Shortly after sharing the video I received a letter from a friend and veteran who gave me permission to share it anonymously.
Last night while reading my new favorite blogger’s, Maggie Shores, most recent post I was completely inspired. I started to comment on it and could not stop typing! So with her permission I’d like to share with y’all her post and my answer to her question. Maggie and I have a lot in common and of course share a passion for recovery and giving away what has so freely been given to us. I hope you find her share as enlightening as I. I bet you will ;0)
You can follow Maggie at http://sobercourage.com/
Here is her post…
I moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming in my late teens and continued on the path of drinking and drugging and trying to ‘fit in’. I then moved to Key West, Florida briefly until the partying got bad and figured i better go back to JH where the mountains called my name. 4 years after returning I realized I had a problem around the age of 27 and decided to move to Steamboat Springs. Are you seeing a pattern here? Dang it, wherever I went, there I was!