A friend of mine shared a meme which read,
“Dear God, I want to take a minute not to ask for anything from you, but to simply say, Thank you for all I have.” [Read more…]
Yesterday was my first day pain-free and I felt like a human. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and even visually. This whole process of having a miscarriage has been tough in all aspects. I realize this isn’t a subject most speak of. I also am grateful that I am who I am because I’ve apparently helped a few by sharing my story. Yesterday I was just so happy to feel like me again.
Then it dawned on me. Yesterday, April 7th was my due date for our son Tanner. My happy, healthy, love of my life, almost 3-year-old boy!
You see for me, one of the greatest gifts is awareness. I would miss so much, so many daily miracles, blessings, and moments of gratitude if I don’t just get out of my own way, stop, and pay attention. It is really easy for me to feel sorry for myself and focus on the negative. I am notoriously a classic victim in my own mind. But!… If I slow this overactive brain of mine down, take a few deep breaths, and listen, watch, feel, be open, be willing, and admit there is something so much bigger than me out there…I just get smacked in the face with all the good shit in life. You know, the really really good shit that just makes you smile, your heart skip a beat, that feeling of overwhelming peace and serenity that engulf your being. That is when I find my happy place. That place where I am content in the moment. No sweating the past, no regrets. No anxious moments of the what ifs, future tripping, and filing myself with worry. That is when I am what the Great Spirit, God, The Universe, Mother Mature and the rest of the gang intended me to be. That Clairey is what I’ve spent days, months, years searching for. The happy, content, authentic Clairey.
So today, if you are anything like me and so busy, so wrapped up in a the day has ahead, all the insignificant bullshit really….STOP! Stop and take a deep breath! Stop and just be! Stop and pay attention, there is always gratitude to be found. ALWAYS! We just have to have the willingness to be aware! You will see it, you will find it…I promise. And when you do, all will be right. If only for a brief moment. But without those moments, I would not survive. Quite frankly, without those moments I don’t think any of us would.
So in the words of my sponsor, my friend, and a truly wise woman who I love with all my being, “pay the fuck attention people!”
You might just need that moment to make “it” all better.
Live-Love-Laugh-And HUG a lot. Life will take on new meaning.
It has been sometime since I’ve sat down and written. It is a great tool for me to process things and hopefully help someone along the way. Since I wrote last I’ve celebrated 7 years of recovery. I started making my handmade jewelry again and started a shop, check it out! Jewelry By Sassy! My relationship with my husband has grown and I love him more than ever. My son is almost 3 years old and I love everything about being his mom. We’ve had grand adventures as a family and shared lots of love and laughter. I was pondering the other day over all I’ve gone through in the past 7 years in recovery. The most memorable years I’ve had!! (Laughing out loud on that statement.) I’ve also had some of the toughest situations and struggles I would have just preferred not to. Those times where using briefly popped in my head as a solution. The feelings I was having at the time I certainly did not want to feel. And all those times I found the willingness to not pick up! To pick up a phone instead, to play the tape all the way through, to go to a meeting, to pray, meditate, call my sponsor, read some recovery literature, ask for help, and so on.
I am SOFA KING! I am SOFA KING! I am so-fa-king HIGH ON HUGS!
I am not high on drugs. I have not relapsed!
I have however been on hiatus for a while now from the blogosphere. It has been quite some time since I have hopped on here to write or to read any of the blogs I follow. Actually the last blog I wrote was for my acceptance of The Sunshine Award. Again big thanks to my sweet friend Maggie for the nomination. I have numerous excuses for why I have not written. But as we all know excuses are like assholes…
I know it’s not typically the norm but I actually like my in-laws, truthfully I love them! Lord knows I’m far from the norm and I lovingly call them my out laws cause they are kinda crazy.
It’s Mama G’s birthday today so of course I sang to her. I asked if she had seen my blog yet. She said yes but I’m not sure if I can read it as it’s so raw! I giggled and asked why? She then proceeded to tell me that our relationship was so light-hearted and as not being in recovery some things would make her worry!
Mind you her son and my husband is in recovery too so this is nothing new to her. Now that I’m a mom though I get it. It’s nice to be loved and worried about in a good way. It’s nice to communicate openly with the ones we love and understand that they don’t understand.
I reassured her that my lingo was typical recovery stuff and not to worry. But… She’s a mom and she will anyway! Based on her experience she has plenty of reason too as well ;0)
The gift for me today is I have nothing to hide. I figure if you knew me then when I was out running and gunning it was no big secret I had a problem so clearly something is different and why not share my solution?!
I’m not ashamed of my past today. I’ve made amends for my wrongs and continue to clear away the wreckage of my past. My past IS my greatest asset! I can’t keep what I have unless I give it away. So here I am stripped of any secrets and sharing with you who I am today because of who I was yesterday. I am grateful. I’m grateful that even my in-laws love me and yes I them. I’m grateful my own family loves me! I’m grateful that not only do they all love me but that I have a new adoptive and (quite dysfunctional family I might add) in the program who loves me and has my back as I have theirs.
They might not all like me but I know without a shadow of a doubt that if my recovery was in danger they too would be there for me. What a gift the life I have today. Excited to go on a road trip to see all my out-laws for Thanksgiving. Hoping Mama G made my son something awesome to wear. She makes super cute kids clothes and I feel blessed yet again that I have such a neat family.
Check her unique handcrafted kids clothes out at http://www.smallfriesdesigns.com
Headed into the deep woods in Northern Idaho for my husband’s birthday Thanksgiving & to celebrate his 7th anniversary in recovery! So until we return to cell, internet and any other technology have a great holiday!
And if you’re not in the USA, like myself I don’t need a designated day to be Thankful even in the toughest of moments I can find some gratitude! Gobble, Gobble!
Happy 11 months to my bay boy
Last night on his last day of being 10 months, he took 10 steps while drinking out of his sippy cup!!
This morning’s memory NOT so good! Yup he grabbed his poopy diaper and let’s just say yay for wet wipes & bleach wipes for the wall! Needless to say being a mom is the best gift I’ve ever received and it has blessed me to laugh (even at the sh***y stuff) ;0)