I too was cold and frozen in the beginning. I started to find comfort on my new-found path and my past started to melt away. My fears and awkward feelings slowly dripped down. Wait! This is uncomfortable! I’m not ready to let go of all these defects. They have been a part of me for so long. I don’t know how to function without them. I am unwilling and lacking faith.
I am cold and frozen again.
The next day is new, yesterday is in the past now. The sun is shining and my faith is growing. More layers begin to melt off, slowly, very slowly. My disease is still strong, lying to me, telling me that using is a good idea. I am becoming willing. I still hold onto my recovery. Working steps and practicing spiritual principles the old me gradually trickles away. I am changing. I am becoming even more willing, more honest, more open-minded, gaining trust in the process, and taking suggestions. My past and the person who I was when starting this new journey in recovery is now only a thin layer of who I am now. More new days come and go. Occasionally I get stuck and nothing is rolling off of me. Having been fearless and thorough in the previous eleven steps, I arrive at step twelve. The sunlight of the spirit seeps in. It is bright and warm. I break free! I have had a spiritual awakening! But my recovery is never done. I must practice it daily. There will still be times I become frozen. I MUST trust God, clean house, and help others for those uncomfortable and negative feelings to melt away. This too shall pass and yet another time, I break free! Free from the bondage of self. Freedom from my thoughts. I am becoming who I was created to be. My past is just a puddle on the ground. I must be careful not to step into it and get stuck. Eventually the puddle soaks into the earth.
My past is now a solid foundation for me to walk on.
I do not regret it.I will NOT forget the past as it is now nourishing a ‘beautiful flower’ that has started to blossom… By: Clairey S. Grubbs