I’ve been battling a bit of depression lately. I get this way every fall and winter. I feel like I didn’t have enough time in the sun and fret the cold dreary days upon us. I’m often so tired I just want to pass out. Plus, I’m just kind of feeling defeated with every day stuff on top of that.
Everybody is posting New Year’s resolutions via social media. Meanwhile, my 41 year old butt is over here thinking, “Hahahaha, clearly these folks aren’t in a 12 step group or have learned from years of failed resolutions like myself!” [Read more…]
Yesterday after my noon meeting I headed to therapy. I absolutely adore my therapist, by the way. I went through 3 different therapist after my longtime therapist left and I’m so glad I did because I love this lady! When we first started getting to know one another she asked me why was I still coming after all these years and still sober and doing 12 step meetings as well. My reply was quite simple and I basically told her I felt therapy was another great tool for me to utilize and there’s always something I want to learn, grow, expand on about myself as an individual.
A sober sister of mine asked me a few years back, “who is Clairey” of course I responded with a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother. She then said,” who is Clairey without all the titles?” I had no reply.
So this was my therapeutic goal to be set. My therapist and I put it in black and white and I see her almost every week. I was sharing with her some realizations I’ve had and some goals I’d like to somehow put into action. A few things that really make me happy and I enjoy greatly. After sharing this with her she asked me, “what do all those things have in common?”
My reply was, “Me!?!”
I was most definitely pleased with my response but it was not the response she was looking for and asked me again.
“What do all of these things have in common?”
Starring blankly at her I asked,”what?” She said they all involve helping others! Well, gosh darn it she was right.
To be continued….
Everyone can be great because everyone can serve
~ Martin Luther King Jr.
Yesterday was my first day pain-free and I felt like a human. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and even visually. This whole process of having a miscarriage has been tough in all aspects. I realize this isn’t a subject most speak of. I also am grateful that I am who I am because I’ve apparently helped a few by sharing my story. Yesterday I was just so happy to feel like me again.
Then it dawned on me. Yesterday, April 7th was my due date for our son Tanner. My happy, healthy, love of my life, almost 3-year-old boy!
You see for me, one of the greatest gifts is awareness. I would miss so much, so many daily miracles, blessings, and moments of gratitude if I don’t just get out of my own way, stop, and pay attention. It is really easy for me to feel sorry for myself and focus on the negative. I am notoriously a classic victim in my own mind. But!… If I slow this overactive brain of mine down, take a few deep breaths, and listen, watch, feel, be open, be willing, and admit there is something so much bigger than me out there…I just get smacked in the face with all the good shit in life. You know, the really really good shit that just makes you smile, your heart skip a beat, that feeling of overwhelming peace and serenity that engulf your being. That is when I find my happy place. That place where I am content in the moment. No sweating the past, no regrets. No anxious moments of the what ifs, future tripping, and filing myself with worry. That is when I am what the Great Spirit, God, The Universe, Mother Mature and the rest of the gang intended me to be. That Clairey is what I’ve spent days, months, years searching for. The happy, content, authentic Clairey.
So today, if you are anything like me and so busy, so wrapped up in a the day has ahead, all the insignificant bullshit really….STOP! Stop and take a deep breath! Stop and just be! Stop and pay attention, there is always gratitude to be found. ALWAYS! We just have to have the willingness to be aware! You will see it, you will find it…I promise. And when you do, all will be right. If only for a brief moment. But without those moments, I would not survive. Quite frankly, without those moments I don’t think any of us would.
So in the words of my sponsor, my friend, and a truly wise woman who I love with all my being, “pay the fuck attention people!”
You might just need that moment to make “it” all better.
Live-Love-Laugh-And HUG a lot. Life will take on new meaning.
A quote from Bill W.
“I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion we can ever know.”
(All credits for this quote go to Bill W.)