The Struggle & The Hope

Today marks 6 months without cigarettes. I smoked for 29 years. ⁣🚭

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Dec 5th, 2019 after months of preparation I officially quit and I haven’t had a cigarette since. On Feb 4th, 2020, I celebrated 12 years without alcohol/drugs and the following day I quit all sugar as I realized how much weight I’d gained since I quit smoking. Feb 10th I went back to a paleo-ish way of eating and toyed around with macros on and off for the next 3 months all while conti nuing my HIIT classes. ⁣

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This has been one of the most trying, painful, frustrating, anxiety filled 6 months periods of my life. ⁣

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Not that I could’ve predicted any of this with the exception of Wyoming winter and the holidays. What a dumbass I was to start this journey in my least favorite season where I already battle depression 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then the stressfulness of the holidays on top of that. ⁣

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THEN how bout we add a global pandemic on top of that. Oh and let’s make it a respiratory thing so your anxious self can go into fear about dying with your crappy lungs. But then we’ll find gratitude that maybe it WAS a good time to start saving those lungs. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Oh and don’t forget you’re now going to have to be your child’s teacher cause school shut down and he’s home 24/7. Now let’s trigger a butt load of old trauma from your own hatred of school.  And oh yeah, you can’t go to your 12 step group or your see your counselor or go to your gym because the world shut down. My relationship with my child is greatly suffering. I keep marching on though. I don’t really want to smoke but I long for the relief. ⁣

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Zoom everything gets introduced. Things get a bit better for a period of time. Fast forward more and restrictions start to ease a bit and some stress alleviates. I’m having moments of feeling super successful and not really thinking about cigarettes. ⁣

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But the weight won’t come off and I feel gross. I give up mentally. I start to eat like crap, I injure my knees and stop doing my workouts. I’m frustrated, hopeless, and faking where I’m at with all this on social media. I lost 3 friends within a matter of weeks all as a result of alcoholism/addiction. 😭 I’m sad and discouraged.

But YAYYYYYY, I can breathe, my lungs feel so good. 🙄 ⁣

I go to a witch doctor for some answers and start working on what she suggests. I go get labs run on my thyroid at my doc and go⁣t the results back today. Nothing. My labs are normal. All of them. Thyroid, vitamin D, health fair scan, even Lyme. All fine. I’m ready to throw shit and honestly, I want to smoke. I feel a bit hopeless but I still have fight left in me. 

Meanwhile, the world remains in deep struggle. My heart breaks more. I reach out to childhood friends. I talk to my own child and yet again, explain to him the struggles many people endure solely because of the color of their skin. We’ve had these talks his whole life. It’s an important never ending discussion. I am struggling on an even deeper level. Racism has always bothered me and I don’t understand how humans can hate so deeply. This all goes back to my childhood and personal experiences. I cry and cry and cry. I feel powerless, I feel pressure, I feel hopelessness, I feel despair, and I want to fix a problem that runs too damn deep. I can only play a small roll in a solution but that is whole other topic. 

So with only briefly touching on some of the main challenges of the past 6 months for not only me but the entire damn world….this is where I’m at. And somehow, through nothing short of divine intervention I have not picked up a cigarette or even any nicotine alternatives. It’s truly a flippin miracle. 

This is MY story, MY path, MY journey. I don’t tell these stories to sound negative, discourage anyone, ask for advice, or want sympathy. I tell them because they are real life. They are my reality and if being authentic and transparent helps someone else then by all means…it’s worth me shattering my ego. Besides, typing this all out is beyond therapeutic. And it’s so much I might as well share it if someone has 20 minutes to spare! Ha! 

I hate that I’m an addict y’all on many levels. I’m not gonna lie, I wish I could smoke almost daily. I wish I could drink some whiskey here and there, sip on fine red wine, and take deep puffs of some good stinky weed. I would love to help take the edge off when I don’t want to feel. And lord do I feel. I’m an empath for Pete’s sake. I feel so bloody deeply it hurts and it hurts often. Which got me into this frigging mess to begin with. 

The fact is, I can’t drink, use, smoke, eat sugar, anything without abusing it. Hell, I abuse food, caffeine, hugs, laughter, even fishing sometimes. I’m not to be trusted basically. Hahaha. 

My point is, we all struggle. Some more than others. And yes, I know we all want to give up at times, God I want to quit. But I’m also stubborn as hell and a people pleaser. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, myself included. I can do hard things. I’ll bitch about it 🤣 but I can do it and so can you. I may have to practice some patience and acceptance with my weight struggles but such is life. When the rubber meets the road, there’s bigger problems the world is facing than me not looking good in shorts or being able to wear a bikini. I need to remind my self centered self of this often. I’ll end up with a ring around my ass from sitting on the pity pot for too long. 

Yes, I’ve had good days and bad days but I’m doing it and trying my best. Cody and Tanner have been everything. Thank you boys. I love you more than anything. Thank you all for your continued support. It means the world. Please know, I’m here for anyone that reaches out. Life is challenging and messy often but it’s also beautiful and full of hope too. Today my goal is to focus more on all of the good. 🙏🏼💝

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