Living, Loving, & Laughing at Life in Recovery
My recovery reminds me of the ever-changing icicle…
As I look out the window into the cold night sky
I can’t help but wonder, “who am I ?”
I feel so small beneath the Milky Way
Then remember to give thanks for another day
I repeat ‘in with God’s will and out with mine’
Trying to stay present and not worry all the time
Cause you see all I have is this breath
Worry won’t do anything but bring me death
A physical or a spiritual death to me is the same
I didn’t get sober so my life would stay lame
I got sober cause I knew there was more to my life
I wanted to be a mom and of course a wife
So there are things that I must do from day to day
I must remember to meditate and to pray
Without my higher power I get all outta whack
God know’s I never want to go back on the crack!
So I do a few things every day at a time
In order for me to maintain a straight line
I am grateful for the tools I’ve picked up in program
But I still can not answer,without a title, who I am
I know I am a wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, and niece
But gosh darn it I feel like I’m still missing a piece
I have a general idea and of course I have my story
I know I’m blessed with God and his glory
So maybe I should just practice what I preach
Let go and remain willing & open for god to teach
Cause today I know I am not running the show
Today I can choose to just go with the flow
Well then, I have my answer for now
Oh yeah, I forgot I was looking at stars…wow!
Ok I’m back in the present of this beautiful night
What a gift, I’m blessed and filled with delight
My favorite all time poet Shel Silverstein wrote this and it’s also one of my favorite poems….
The Perfect High
There once was a boy named Gimme-Some-Roy… He was nothin’ like me or you,
’cause laying back and getting high was all he cared to do.
As a kid, he sat in the cellar…sniffing airplane glue. And then he smoked banana peels, when that was the thing to do. He tried aspirin in Coca-Cola, he breathed helium on the sly, and his life became an endless search to find the perfect high.
But grass just made him wanna lay back and eat chocolate-chip pizza all night,
and the great things he wrote when he was stoned looked like shit in the morning light.
Speed made him wanna rap all day, reds laid him too far back, Cocaine-Rose was sweet to his nose, but the price nearly broke his back.
He tried PCP, he tried THC, but they never quite did the trick. Poppers nearly blew his heart, mushrooms made him sick. Acid made him see the light, but he couldn’t remember it long. Hash was a little too weak, and smack was a lot too strong. Quaaludes made him stumble, booze just made him cry, Then he heard of a cat named Baba Fats who knew of the perfect high.
Now, Baba Fats was a hermit cat…lived high up in Nepal, High on a craggy mountain top, up a sheer and icy wall. “Well, hell!” says Roy, “I’m a healthy boy, and I’ll crawl or climb or fly,
Till I find that guru who’ll give me the clue as to what’s the perfect high.”
So out and off goes Gimme-Some-Roy, to the land that knows no time, Up a trail no man could conquer, to a cliff no man could climb. For fourteen years he climbed that cliff…back down again he’d slide . . .
He’d sit and cry, then climb some more, pursuing the perfect high.
Grinding his teeth, coughing blood, aching and shaking and weak, Starving and sore, bleeding and tore, he reaches the mountain peak. And his eyes blink red like a snow-blind wolf, and he snarls the snarl of a rat,
As there in repose, and wearing no clothes, sits the god-like Baba Fats.
“What’s happenin’, Fats?” says Roy with joy, “I’ve come to state my biz . . .
I hear you’re hip to the perfect trip… Please tell me what it is. “For you can see,” says Roy to he, “I’m about to die, So for my last ride, tell me, how can I achieve the perfect high?”
“Well, dog my cats!” says Baba Fats. “Another burned out soul, Who’s lookin’ for an alchemist to turn his trip to gold. It isn’t in a dealer’s stash, or on a druggist’s shelf… Son, if you would find the perfect high, find it in yourself.”
“Why, you jive mother-fucker!” says Roy, “I climbed through rain and sleet,
I froze three fingers off my hands, and four toes off my feet! I braved the lair of the polar bear, I’ve tasted the maggot’s kiss. Now, you tell me the high is in myself? What kinda shit is this?
My ears, before they froze off,” says Roy, “had heard all kindsa crap; But I didn’t climb for fourteen years to hear your sophomore rap. And I didn’t climb up here to hear that the high is on the natch, So you tell me where the real stuff is, or I’ll kill your guru ass!”
“Okay…okay,” says Baba Fats, “You’re forcin’ it outta me… There is a land beyond the sun that’s known as Zabolee. A wretched land of stone and sand, where snakes and buzzards scream, And in this devil’s garden blooms the mystic Tzutzu tree.
Now, once every ten years it blooms one flower, as white as the Key West sky,
And he who eats of the Tzutzu flower shall know the perfect high. For the rush comes on like a tidal wave…hits like the blazin’ sun. And the high? It lasts forever, and the down don’t never come.
But, Zabolee Land is ruled by a giant, who stands twelve cubits high, And with eyes of red in his hundred heads, he awaits the passer-by. And you must slay the red-eyed giant, and swim the river of slime, Where the mucous beasts await to feast on those who journey by. And if you slay the giant and beasts, and swim the slimy sea, There’s a blood-drinking witch who sharpens her teeth as she guards the Tzutzu tree.”
“Well, to hell with your witches and giants,” says Roy, “To hell with the beasts of the sea–
Why, as long as the Tzutzu flower still blooms, hope still blooms for me.”
And with tears of joy in his sun-blind eyes, he slips the guru a five, And crawls back down the mountainside, pursuing the perfect high. “Well, that is that,” says Baba Fats, sitting back down on his stone, Facing another thousand years of talking to God, alone. “Yes, Lord, it’s always the same…old men or bright-eyed youth… It’s always easier to sell ’em some shit than it is to tell them the truth.”
Written by Shel Silverstein
(All credits go to Shel Silverstein)
The photo was taken by me, Clairey :0)
I’d like to share with you about my sponsor Tracy L.
Yup her, God, and AA helped lift me from the gates of hell.
I love her from the deepest place in all my heart
She’s been there for me mentally and spiritually from the very start
She leads by example & practices what she preaches
I’ve learned so much by applying what she teaches
She is honest, patient, loving and forgiving
And has showed me a whole lot about life and living
She is human just like me and is not afraid to say,
“I’m just as close to a drink as you are pal… from day to day”
She’s been my guide in nearly all I do
And without her (especially in the beginning) I’d have no clue
We don’t always agree, we don’t always see eye to eye
But she’ll lovingly tell me to have MY way, go ahead, give it a try
And when I come back all beaten, bruised, defeated and willing
She welcomes me back in arms that are ever so fulfilling
She doesn’t judge or criticize or rub things in my face
She lets me learn my own lessons which better helps me see God’s grace
Blessed with an abundance of experience, strength, hope and wise beyond her years
She’ll call me out on my stuff while never hesitating to help me face my fears
And when I call to rant, rave & fill her up with verbal pollution?
She lets me do so briefly, then cuts me off with an, “ok! What’s the SOLUTION!”
And if she has no experience or suggestions for the topic on hand
She’ll point me in the right direction of someone who can
Do NOT be confused…
I don’t put her on a pedestal, I know she’s no saint OR goddess of AA
For she’s been very clear she’s human, a partner in recovery, a guide to help me work steps & live for today
I have seen her struggle with life, sobriety, even personalities in the rooms
But time after time a principal has been revealed, no drink was taken and again she blooms!
My sponsor reminds me that I am not unique and I never have to “walk alone”
All I need to do is pray, be of service, and pick up the 1000 pound phone
She is quick to admit her faults and make amends when she is wrong
Constantly “trudging the road to happy destiny” all along.
My sponsor has said there are as many different higher powers as personalities in the program
She encourages me to constantly seek a Power greater than myself whom I understand
She is not afraid to stand up for who she is
And is very aware that what people think of her isn’t her biz
Without her knowing or even trying she has taught the meaning of gratitude, at least for me
I can still be grateful when sad or in pain and of course also while “happy, joyous and free”
I’m so lucky God put my sponsor in my in my life
I am learning to be a good woman, friend, mother, and wife
I too am a sponsor now and it’s awesome to see the program trickling down our sponsorship tree
Man was she right, when all else fails working with another alcoholic sets me free
For like the big book says I can not keep what I have unless I give it away
And being selfless and available for others ALWAYS brightens the greyest day
So if you don’t have a sponsor and have no idea how to pick one to work with you…
Find someone like I did, that has what you want, ask for help, you’re not the first to seek the clue!
Most of us walked through the doors of AA rooms, sick and tired of being sick and tired
For me I was willing, open minded and working on honesty instead of being a big fat liar
I didn’t expect much, I was hopeless, broken and The Promises made me laugh in disbelief
This lady shared that her dad had just died and she’s was at a meeting & NOT drinking for relief ?
She was sitting in that AA basement room with her eyes filled with tears.
Someone whispered over to me,”you know she has 20 some odd years?”
If she could go through that sober which was one of my greatest fears
Maybe I could try this one day at a time thing no liquor, wine, or beers
So you see all it took was being open to find hope in another’s story
And hope is what I got and that was soon followed by glory!
A few days later wanting her to be my sponsor feeling insecure, nervous and lame
I found the courage to ask and “Yes!” was the answer from that “Grand Old Dame”
Quite a few days have passed by since that day
Actually more than 5 years it’s been I’m happy to say
We’ve worked steps, read the Big Book and more
I’ve been happy, sad, and threw fits galore
I’m married to another recovering alcoholic and we have a son
And I know that sobriety is a journey and I’m never “done”
“I do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”
Of course I still have plenty of defects that make me want to vomit
But today I am grateful for my life and I’ve been blessed with gift after gift after gift
And guess what? Yup, my sponsor was right the promises are for real and NOT a myth!
Yes some have come quickly but most have come really, really slow
But I’m ok with that today, you know?
So if you are new to the program or just coming back
I suggest you get a sponsor for working the steps and getting on track
Cause if you’re ready to surrender and you’re an alcoholic like me
A sponsor can help you discover the person you were meant to be
So don’t be afraid, have some faith, trust the process and give life a shot
Find yourself a sponsor I think you’ll find they help a lot!
So here’s to you my dear sponsor, friend and partner in recovery
Thanks for being you, for being my guide and for helping me get some “Clairey-T”!!
Happy Mother’s Day to the BEST Mom around.
I’m so grateful you’re the woman dad found!
You’ve loved me from the very start.
Because of you I have the biggest heart.
You are the perfect mix of grace and class
Even when you spanked me on my little a**!
You taught me to be a mom, woman, friend and sister.
And all about marriage & love with my mister.
We have so many laughs and fun times together.
& You’ve always been there for me when I was under the weather.
No matter how old I get or wherever I go
You’ll always be my mommy and I’ll love you so!
You have been through so much in one lifetime
But you’ve held your head high and walked the line.
You’re smile is so big and so bright
You can fill the darkest place on earth with light!
You have such manners, style and a pretty face
So many good assets I don’t know which to embrace!
So on this day we celebrate for our mom
I want you to know, I love you, respect you & think you’re THE BOMB!
Happy Birthday to the best dad on earth!
You’ve loved me unconditionally since birth!
You are so amazing and so funny.
Mom was smart to make you her honey.
You are everything a man should be.
Honest, hardworking, & good hearted…naturally.
You’ve done everything in your power to teach us gals.
From helping with homework to getting laughs from our pals.
We’ve sung in church and played music together
And sat outside and talked about the weather.
You make awesome waffles & French toast
Which to this day I still brag and boast!
You have protected us through thick & thin
Speaking of, wow, you’re the best looking you’ve ever been!
You’re damn smart and can fix just about anything
I’m so grateful you met mom & gave her a ring!
Cause you two are the best
And I know we’ve put you to the test.
I thank God all the time that you are my dad
& being there for me through troubles I had.
I wish I could give you a big birthday squeeze
My love for you is bigger than the red wood trees!
Granny & Granddaddy are smiling down at you
Cause they are so proud, true & true.
So on this day that you were born
Celebrate & make some of your great popcorn!
Daddy you filled my heart with all sorts of good stuff
& I know sometimes I’ve been pretty tough.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart
For being the best dad from the very start!!
So much more I’d like to say
But Tanner is up and ready to play!
Oh yeah you’re a grandpa now..you old man
That makes two kids in Wyoming who are you #1 fan!
Happy Birthday Dad
Thanks for being so stinking rad!
As I look at the mountains this morning I am reminded how powerless I am over Mother Nature.
Our mountains have called my name many a time for they are majestic and awe inspiring. I must not forget the lives they have taken.
I must cherish the memories of the souls that dance in them.
Snow plows driving by
From a light dusting from the sky.
Peaceful morning in my house
The boys are sleeping quiet as a mouse.
Breathing in the good and out the bad
Feeling grateful that my life is so rad
Enjoying the moment and being with me
Glad to report today I’m happy!!
