No one really likes change. Whether it is a physical change within their life or an emotional change in their psyche, change can oftentimes be a frightening proposition. It requires you to give up something that is comfortable and familiar, even if it’s unhealthy for you, and requires you to put your faith in the unknown. Change asks you to move forward into something that may not be clear just yet and because of this we often times try to block change, or try to control how it comes about…
well I can’t really speak for anyone else but I know that I do that. I will very often fight against any and all change in my life, even if it becomes apparent that it is evitable. Since the beginning of this journey down the road to recovery I have been terrified of change; from my reluctance to go to treatment far, to the decision to finally come home. Change good or bad has usually brought about initially feelings of fear.
The reason for this is, change is one of my biggest fears. I dread it and that is because I don’t like not knowing. I don’t like feeling like I am outside of my comfort zone and anytime that I am being required to change that is exactly what is being asked of me. Because of this I will sometimes stay in the uncomfortability of the comfortable and avoid making the strides I need in order to move forward towards a better me.
I have, however, gotten better at dealing with change since I’ve been sober. For instance a little over a year ago I moved from South Florida, where I got sober, and moved back home to be with my children. This change was tremendously difficult for me because it really tested me on all levels. It required me to live in change, day in and day out, for months at a time. I had to create a new support system for myself, learn how to live a sober life in the place where I got high for so many years, and I had to learn how to deal with my ex-husband, as a rational and loving human being. Let me just tell you, the latter was extremely difficult— but in the process of all of this change I discovered just how strong I am. I discovered just how much I am capable of and I realized just how often I sell myself sort.
For so many years I believed that I wasn’t worthy of change, or that I was essentially worthless and because of this I lacked any self-confidence, or any real ability to take care of myself. I would often times stay in bad situations or not allow myself to flourish as a person because I would think, ‘Who am I to want to be better?’
Today though I realize how false this way of thinking is and because of this I have noticed that most of the change that is occurring in my life is related to my deepening ability to love myself.
This may sound strange, but the longer I have stayed sober, the more and more I have realized just how much I reject myself on an almost daily basis. I have realized that there are certain things that I do or ways that I talk to myself that keep me in bondage. They keep me from experiencing the change I so desire and when I add in the fact that change scares me, it is easy to see why for so many years I chose to just languish in pain, rather than change and grow as a person.
It was almost as if I would cut off any change before it could even occur because I was scared and believed I was unworthy. Now that I no longer believe this I am more apt to be open to the possibility of change, but I have found that often times just having willingness is not enough to truly bring about the change I desire.
Many times during the course of my sobriety I have found that pain is the catalyst to change for me. Usually months before the change occurs I start to think about how something in me, or in my life needs to change, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to manifest it. Then I usually participate in whatever it is that is causing me pain for a little while, until it becomes unbearable and I have no choice but to change.
While I’ll admit this probably isn’t the best way to go about doing things, I haven’t really found another way yet, especially for the things that seem to be deeply rooted in me. Stopping stealing or lying were fairly easy changes, but things like learning to change the way I view myself in relation to the world, or learning to break the negative self talk that sometimes plague me hasn’t been as easy as just saying, ‘Okay I’m done with this.’
So while change still really scares m,e I have become more accustomed to it. I have begun to try my best to go with the flow and to be open to the new possibilities that life shows me. When I realize that something in my life has to change, I pray and ask God to help direct me and show me how to go about doing this. It isn’t always easy and I usually still kick and scream a bit, but in the end when the change finally does occur I find that my life has improved dramatically.
Rose Lockinger is a passionate member of the recovery community. A rebel who found her cause, she uses blogging and social media to raise the awareness about the disease of addiction. She has visited all over North and South America. Single mom to two beautiful children she has learned parenting is without a doubt the most rewarding job in the world. Currently the Outreach Director at Stodzy Internet Marketing.