I’ve been battling a bit of depression lately. I get this way every fall and winter. I feel like I didn’t have enough time in the sun and fret the cold dreary days upon us. I’m often so tired I just want to pass out. Plus, I’m just kind of feeling defeated with every day stuff on top of that.
November 6th, 2007 I checked myself into the Pavillon. The next 6 weeks were an emotional roller coaster spent crying, arguing, laughing, bartering, being mad, being in moments of denial and regret, having moments of “Clairey-ty”, and learning about my disease and who I am without drugs in my system. [Read more…]
“Meeting makers make it” they say. It’s also been said that AA doesn’t need me but I need AA. Boy did I get a slice of humble pie this week. [Read more…]
One of the greatest gifts I’ve received in recovery is my awareness. I sat down this morning to write and everything I thought of was grouchy and negative. [Read more…]
Hi, my name is Clairey and I’m addicted to nicotine. I am powerless over cigarettes and my life has become unmanageable. I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity and I’ve been turning my will and my life over to this power….EVERY 5 MINUTES!! Good grief. Yup, all these 24 hours at a time later and multiple attempts to quit and stay quit off the smokes I’m back at Step 1, 2, & 3. Again. [Read more…]
Feeling lots of feelings this month. Another friend of mine has passed away. We had been friends for twenty years. He was married to another friend of mine from my early years here in Jackson Hole and they have 2 beautiful young boys. I drove up to Montana to say goodbye. Lots of crying, singing, praying and talking to God on my drive. I was honored to bid him adieu by singing Amazing Grace at his service. I love singing that song even though I get terrible stage fright. Such powerful words especially for this addict/alcoholic. Grief is such a strange thing. We all seem to process it in such different ways. [Read more…]
Yesterday after my noon meeting I headed to therapy. I absolutely adore my therapist, by the way. I went through 3 different therapist after my longtime therapist left and I’m so glad I did because I love this lady! When we first started getting to know one another she asked me why was I still coming after all these years and still sober and doing 12 step meetings as well. My reply was quite simple and I basically told her I felt therapy was another great tool for me to utilize and there’s always something I want to learn, grow, expand on about myself as an individual.
A sober sister of mine asked me a few years back, “who is Clairey” of course I responded with a daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother. She then said,” who is Clairey without all the titles?” I had no reply.
So this was my therapeutic goal to be set. My therapist and I put it in black and white and I see her almost every week. I was sharing with her some realizations I’ve had and some goals I’d like to somehow put into action. A few things that really make me happy and I enjoy greatly. After sharing this with her she asked me, “what do all those things have in common?”
My reply was, “Me!?!”
I was most definitely pleased with my response but it was not the response she was looking for and asked me again.
“What do all of these things have in common?”
Starring blankly at her I asked,”what?” She said they all involve helping others! Well, gosh darn it she was right.
To be continued….
Everyone can be great because everyone can serve
~ Martin Luther King Jr.
Yesterday was my first day pain-free and I felt like a human. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and even visually. This whole process of having a miscarriage has been tough in all aspects. I realize this isn’t a subject most speak of. I also am grateful that I am who I am because I’ve apparently helped a few by sharing my story. Yesterday I was just so happy to feel like me again.
Then it dawned on me. Yesterday, April 7th was my due date for our son Tanner. My happy, healthy, love of my life, almost 3-year-old boy!
You see for me, one of the greatest gifts is awareness. I would miss so much, so many daily miracles, blessings, and moments of gratitude if I don’t just get out of my own way, stop, and pay attention. It is really easy for me to feel sorry for myself and focus on the negative. I am notoriously a classic victim in my own mind. But!… If I slow this overactive brain of mine down, take a few deep breaths, and listen, watch, feel, be open, be willing, and admit there is something so much bigger than me out there…I just get smacked in the face with all the good shit in life. You know, the really really good shit that just makes you smile, your heart skip a beat, that feeling of overwhelming peace and serenity that engulf your being. That is when I find my happy place. That place where I am content in the moment. No sweating the past, no regrets. No anxious moments of the what ifs, future tripping, and filing myself with worry. That is when I am what the Great Spirit, God, The Universe, Mother Mature and the rest of the gang intended me to be. That Clairey is what I’ve spent days, months, years searching for. The happy, content, authentic Clairey.
So today, if you are anything like me and so busy, so wrapped up in a the day has ahead, all the insignificant bullshit really….STOP! Stop and take a deep breath! Stop and just be! Stop and pay attention, there is always gratitude to be found. ALWAYS! We just have to have the willingness to be aware! You will see it, you will find it…I promise. And when you do, all will be right. If only for a brief moment. But without those moments, I would not survive. Quite frankly, without those moments I don’t think any of us would.
So in the words of my sponsor, my friend, and a truly wise woman who I love with all my being, “pay the fuck attention people!”
You might just need that moment to make “it” all better.
Live-Love-Laugh-And HUG a lot. Life will take on new meaning.
It has been sometime since I’ve sat down and written. It is a great tool for me to process things and hopefully help someone along the way. Since I wrote last I’ve celebrated 7 years of recovery. I started making my handmade jewelry again and started a shop, check it out! Jewelry By Sassy! My relationship with my husband has grown and I love him more than ever. My son is almost 3 years old and I love everything about being his mom. We’ve had grand adventures as a family and shared lots of love and laughter. I was pondering the other day over all I’ve gone through in the past 7 years in recovery. The most memorable years I’ve had!! (Laughing out loud on that statement.) I’ve also had some of the toughest situations and struggles I would have just preferred not to. Those times where using briefly popped in my head as a solution. The feelings I was having at the time I certainly did not want to feel. And all those times I found the willingness to not pick up! To pick up a phone instead, to play the tape all the way through, to go to a meeting, to pray, meditate, call my sponsor, read some recovery literature, ask for help, and so on.