My name is Clairey & I am an addict.
I’m writing this so you all know a little bit of my story and what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now. My clean date is February 4th, 2008. I was raised by an amazing mom and dad (who are not addicts, alcoholics, nothing but loving and slightly codependent) in Spartanburg, SC. I was born in July 1975 and from as early as I can remember I was different.
My first time drinking was my first drunk at age 15. I drank until I couldn’t remember & that’s a whole story in itself. From then on my life continue to progress from one personal struggle to the next.I moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming in my late teens and continued on the path of drinking and drugging and trying to ‘fit in’. I then moved to Key West, Florida briefly until the partying got bad and figured i better go back to JH where the mountains called my name. 4 years after returning I realized I had a problem around the age of 27 and decided to move to Steamboat Springs. Are you seeing a pattern here? Dang it, wherever I went, there I was!
I had some dear friends that lived there in ‘The Boat’ and supported me in laying off my cocaine habit (that had gotten a bit out of control). Never had I heard of AA, NA or any 12 step fellowships or such so hanging with friends that didn’t do cocaine seemed like a healthy choice. Mind you they nor I realized at the time that me drinking & smoking pot or anything other mood or mind altering substance would lead me back to my drug of choice. So inevitably some coke made it up my nose one night after the bar. I just loved the way it smelled. Lol, little humor never hurts ;0) I shortly moved outta my friends’ house. From there on my addiction progressed until the inevitable with an addict like me… I lost myself, my spirituality, friends that were the real kind and through my inability to accept personal responsibility I was actually creating my own problems and then came the incomprehensible demoralization. 5 or so years later I had worn a complete hole in my septum and started cooking crack (freebasing whatever you call it) as my nose hurt to bad to snort anymore. That was the beginning of the end. I went to my drug dealer’s house (and a good friend too) who had told everyone in town to cut me off. I went to his house with a loaded 22 pistol with the intention of getting more. See there lied my problem, I always wanted more. I couldn’t do one of anything! My dealer was an ex navy seal & clearly I was not very successful. Yeah, I know, pretty comical now. He told me, Clairey, you are out of control, you need help, go home. He then gave me $500 dollars for gas and got 1 last eight ball of cocaine. I went to my house, cooked the 8ball, packed a bag, & grabbed dog food and my sweet dog Yukon and left to drive cross-country to South Carolina. My two best friends got my call that I was coming home. They were under strict orders not to tell my parents. Fortunately they did any how. My folks had no clue of my problems. I was good at hiding it or not doing drugs when they visited & being across the country for years helped my ‘secret’ as well. Shortly after I arrived at my folks place, I checked myself into rehab. Although I drove myself (my parents followed) to check in to rehab there were many a day in that 6 weeks I wanted to leave. Feeling any kinda feeling even good ones was all new to me. I had been unknowingly masking them for 17 years. To top it off I was so manic (I’m bi-polar) they thought I was on drugs on arrival! I had smoked some weed on my way but they thought I was on some sort of stimulant. Fortunately I was at a dual diagnosis rehab. I was introduced to so much there. I started to gain back my spirituality (with quite a big fight about it I might add). I didn’t get that spirituality was not the same as religion. Just to clarify I also understand that they can intertwine. I started praying to a higher power, practicing yoga & meditation. Even breathing! What a concept! After completing my 6 week stint I moved back with my folks and did a 3 month intensive outpatient and started meetings at least once a day. I got a sponsor and started working the 12 steps. My life started to change and miracles started happening. Again Jackson, WY and the mountains where calling my name. So I packed up and drove back. There was no NA fellowship that was thriving locally so I started attending AA meetings. Willing to go to any lengths right?! There I got a new sponsor and started the steps again. I believe that I have the disease of addiction and that alcohol is a drug. I call my self an addict in one fellowship and an alcoholic in another. I do this out of the respect for whichever fellowship I’m attending at the time. Either title I choose it doesn’t really matter. It’s like switching seats on the titanic, I’m gonna die either way probably. Shortly after I moved back to JH I met my husband who’s in recovery as well. 3 years later we married and now have an amazing son! Life hasn’t been a bowl of cherries, sunshine & moonbeams every day. Even in recovery shitty stuff happens. I feel like sometimes life is pretty tough and hasn’t changed that much. The difference is, I HAVE CHANGED! I have choices as I’m not a slave to my addiction. Today I have a solution. I haven’t been shy about being in recovery and that in itself has been a blessing. Old friends call on occasion and ask for help. Some of them are now recovering too!
The tools I learned in rehab and continue gaining through being honest, open, and willing in recovery have changed my life! I don’t always use them as hell, I’m human, but when I do what a gift! I can not only apply these principles to my recovery but I can utilize them in my marriage, all my relationships, and everything in between. My favorite time to apply them is while parenting. I know that in the roughest of moments no drunk, no high, no masking of my feelings in any way will ‘fix’ a thing. I would be lying if I said the thought if using doesn’t go through my head from time to time. My truth is that my consequences of using and my own personal desire to stay clean are just way bigger than my desire to use.
Through Grace our son has only known my husband and I in recovery. In order for it to stay that way we must maintain our path in the fellowship, be of service, remember that the God of understanding is in charge, ask for help and try to remain humble. I chose the title High on Hugs because hugs have always made me feel good! I love hugging and being hugged. And as you can see from reading this I’d much rather be high on HUGS than high on drugs! So in a nut shell… This is who I am,
I’m Clairey and I am an addict
I love you …now and always..I’m looking forward to being a mommy….and I too know that anything I put in front of my recovery I will surely lose. You inspire me hot momma.
You my girl, knew me when. You are a treasure, a gift, and a miracle for me. I thank you. The tears rolling down my cheeks are tears of love and gratitude for a journey we once had and even better adventure we share now with the best yet to come. You will be an amazing mom, you already are ;0) Love you
I read this this morning, Clairey, and didn’t have time to comment, but wanted to say thank you for sharing this. It’s a wonderful, wonderful share. I pictured this as if i were sitting at a meeting and you telling this in a steady voice, smiling, gesticulating, spreading your warmth, even through the dodgy bits, the times you wish you could forget. But you know we don’t wish to close the door to the past…we use it for times like this…to share our story with others and hope that they can identify as well.
You do an outstanding job here, and your words really speak to where you are at now. Looking at the pictures here, and feeling the glow from your posts…it’s clear that you have found what you sought for in those drugs and alcohol – a true connection in your spiritual path and to what keeps you clean and sober. Your smiles say it all, Clairey. What a joy.
I am so glad that our paths have crossed 🙂
Love and light (and hugs)
Paul
Paul you just made my already ginormous smile even bigger! Thank you so much. It’s nice to have someone get me. Although we are strangers you are family. You are truly my blogging idle and mentor! Seriously, I’m still trying to figure all this stuff out and I greatly appreciate your posts, comments, and general spirit of service. I too am grateful our paths crossed and better yet that we’re on the same journey. Speaking of, question… Is it ok to add a link to one of your posts to my blog (or is it even possible) and/or is that what that reblog tab is for? I would really love to share your self pity post. I just LOVED it! Thanks again for your encouragement and kind words! Big HUGS!
Clairey…I just love you! Your honesty and willingness to share your journey is a true witness and blessing! I have often thought…..how can anyone tell me how to get through MY struggles and problems when THEY have never been there! Your sharing your story is such a testimony of how you have, and are overcoming obstacles and that, this in itself, is possible! I am sure you already have, and will continue to be a ray of hope and sunshine to many who read this, and for those who know you, as you definitely have to me! Keep on smiling and being a wonderful Mom and wife, and especially just being YOU!!!!!
Thank you! Hope all the mom’s are as loving as you! You know southerners are never afraid to speak their mind! Well maybe not to your face ;0) Working on that ‘I don’t care what people think of me’ thing still! LOL. Thanks for your kind words. I’ve had a lot of help from a higher power and tons of angels. I can’t take credit for any of it. Well maybe my willingness to surrender and cooperate! Love & BIG HUGS!
Sheesh! I forgot you are such an addict AND a MIRACLE! How on earth did you get from you came from to where you are today??? God can do amazing things if we let Him. Thank you for being an inspiration and friend. I’m so grateful you’re alive and sober!
Lol! How could you forget?! I’m SO memorable! Blahahahaha! God is good and you my little miracle you are proof as well! Love & hugs!
Thanks for sharing. I’m so happy to see this website and community coming to life! You are an inspiration!
Thanks lady! Just trying to be a badass like you! Speaking of may I share some of your “becoming a badass” stuff on my site?
Clairey, I knew you before sobriety and after. I’ve always loved you and always will. I wouldnt change anything about my life or yours they have made us both the people we are today. God has a funny way if doing that. Awesome blog!
Tish
I’m sorry, I don’t believe I was friends with anyone named Tish in my active addiction. Hummmm, oh well, there is one of my best friends in the world but her name is Telisha! Now that girl! Whew, God placed her in my life and she in mine. Our stories have intertwined and our paths have stayed connected. I could not be more grateful for her and her family. Er I mean you! You are one of my most treasured and dearest friends and man am I thankful for you! LOVE YOU!
Hi Clairey!
Such an amazing journey! Wow, you are a miracle! I am so glad we connected, we sure do have lots in common, my anniversary is a bit later than yours, but the same year (4/15/08) And we are about the same age! But those are just details…
What I really mean is the journey you had, the struggles, the denial, the crazy and the rehabs and then rebuilding — wow, just wow! I don’t often see it in my own story, maybe I am trying to minimize a bit about how bad it was, but then I read your story and I am nodding like yep, been there, yep, yep and it WAS that bad! And to be sober, now, after all that, miracle!
I am so glad you started blogging, I can’t wait to see how your life unfolds in your new home!
P.S. And I love hugs too!!
Hi Maggie!
You just brightened my day and my smile is as big as it gets! I too am happy to have found you! Coincidence? I think not! It always brings me joy when someone shares a similar story as mine and they too have found a solution. A recipe for life! Thank you for your kind words. I very much enjoy reading your blog. Even though we are so far away the connection I felt with you was so close to home. Miracles do happen! Grateful to be trudging the road to happy destiny with a friend.
Big Cyber HUG!
Clairey
Coming to this “party” a bit late, Clairey, but with such love & joy in my heart. Thank you for doing this~sharing your story, I mean. While my boy Patrick lost his addiction battle in this life, his journey has inspired me to seek to understand more and encourage recovery in anyone who crosses my path. Plus, I am in conversation with so many moms whose kids are either in recovery or need to be. Your story is going to give them hope! I love you!
Thank you! I rarely post much these days as I don’t have lots of time to sit down and write but I’m always happy to hear when someone hops on and finds some joy! Love you lady!