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Secrets…

February 6, 2017 By Clairey @ High on Hugs 6 Comments

November 6th, 2007 I checked myself into the Pavillon. The next 6 weeks were an emotional roller coaster spent crying, arguing, laughing, bartering, being mad, being in moments of denial and regret, having moments of “Clairey-ty”, and learning about my disease and who I am without drugs in my system.

I was feeling feelings and trying to grasp how to utilize a whole new set of tools while in the safety of the walls of Pavilion. There were days I wanted to leave, throw my hand in the air, and just say, “**** it!” Then there was my last day on campus where I just didn’t want to leave.

We had a plan in place for me to start my new life in the “real world”. I was to attend Pavillon’s IOPT for the following 3 months, go to 12 step meetings daily, keep up on my meds and doctor’s visits for my other diagnosis, get a sponsor, and start working the steps. I had a head full of knowledge, a heart full of hope, and a ginormous tool box. I followed the plan 100% until…. I decided to go visit a boy I’d met at the Pavillon and on my 90th day sober after attending a meeting I relapsed. I went to a meeting the next morning and didn’t tell a soul about my relapse. For a LONG time. “2 sickies don’t make a wellie” had proven true as well as “your secrets keep you sick”.

Continuing my steps I arrived at the 5th step and blatantly lied to my then sponsor about not having any secrets. Later on I falsely claimed my year chip. It was just a couple glasses of wine anyhow. No one knew, but I did and my HP did. After that I moved back west, got a sponsor here, and started another round of steps. My secret was killing me. Arriving at the 5th Step again, I got honest with my sponsor, my now husband, and my close network of new sober friends. My sponsor and I did the math and realized my true 1st year sober date was quickly approaching.

February 4th, 2008 I stood in shame and shared my truth to my home group. I was terrified. Guess what? Yet again I had learned I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t the first to do something like this and most likely not the last. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my heart was full again. This February 4th, I celebrated 9 years of continuous sobriety. That’s 3,289 days at a time, as a direct result from my foundation received at Pavillon, the 12 steps, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, and a very loving and forgiving Higher Power. I spent the day with my family and my son’s godparents, who are also in recovery, snowmobiling in the UNITA Mountains in Wyoming. It was a day to remember. I was full of gratitude and thankful living in the moment with those promises beaming in my heart. One day at a time, and sometimes very slowly, the promises have come true and I am a happy, joyous, free, and grateful recovering alcoholic.

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Filed Under: Gaining "Clairey-T" Tagged With: 12 steps, AA, alcoholism, experience strength and hope, one day at a time, recovery, recovery blog, sobriety, the promises, Your secrets keep you sick

Comments

  1. Miki says

    February 6, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    You’re Amazing &
    I’m lucky to have such a strong & courageous BF! Hugs!

    Reply
    • Clairey @ High on Hugs says

      February 6, 2017 at 6:28 pm

      The feeling is mutual! Love you! See you soon!!

      Reply
  2. Paul S says

    February 7, 2017 at 2:25 pm

    Yay!! Congrats Clairey! I am sooooo very happy for you!

    I understand giving up that “dark secret” and feeling the weight of the world come off your shoulders. And what a way to live life – you’re doing it, with great zeal and with joy. Thank you for sharing your story – what an inspiration!

    Blessings and hugs

    Paul

    Reply
    • Clairey @ High on Hugs says

      February 13, 2017 at 5:31 pm

      Thanks my friend! I thought surely there would be things about me I held on to till death. Recovery has taught me differently and saved me in so many ways! Big ole hugs back at cha!

      Reply
  3. Hayden L. Koch says

    February 9, 2017 at 8:55 pm

    Wonderful post! Thank you for sharing. This is an essential topic to
    confer and is one off my most prized posts from you. Shared, thank you.

    Reply
    • Clairey @ High on Hugs says

      February 13, 2017 at 5:29 pm

      Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed and can relate! HUGS 🤗

      Reply

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