This one is ‘from the vault’
I wrote the following some time ago in response to a friend’s niece who had lost one of her classmates to suicide. It really got me thinking how fortunate and blessed with God’s Grace I really am. I say God’s grace because that is the only explanation for the fact that I am still here and writing this to you all.
In the rooms I’ve learned that what people think of me is none of my business. That nobody but me can make me feel and that feelings aren’t facts. My head might have learned these things but getting my heart to cooperate with my head isn’t always easy. In fact, most of the time it feels impossible!
For me the longest journey is from my brain to my heart and back.
I am sensitive, I am a people pleaser & extremely co-dependent. I am getting better for sure and at the same time by no means am I an expert at this feeling stuff!
Today I have a choice!
I dint always know this. When in active addiction I didn’t have any choices but who, what, when, where, and how. Who is gonna take care of me? How am I gonna get more? What is wrong with me? When is enough enough? Where is this crappy life gonna take me next? How the hell am I gonna do this all over again tomorrow? These were my questions.
I have found a solution today and yes, believe it or not, my past is my greatest asset. I am NOT afraid! If me sharing about some uncomfortable or sad or demoralizing or what have you, part of my past can show just one person that they are NOT alone and there IS hope…
Well gosh darn it, I feel like I’m doing God’s will.
It’s not all about me anymore and what can I get but rather what can I give. How can I help?
Pretty easy task if you ask me! I was given another shot at life and if honestly and openly speaking about my life helps others, that is the least I can do!
If you told me I needed to go streaking through a landfill in order to keep what I have TODAY…
THEN YOU BET YOUR ASS I WOULD!
So here is what I wrote and I hope that it might reach one person who is or has struggled with being bullied. Know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Nothing absolutely nothing is worth taking your own life for. Whether suicide or a slow suicide of addiction and alcohol, There is HOPE
“To all the mean people in the world, to all the bully’s present and past, to all the girls in my past that made some days in my life hell,
Please help your children. Help them to understand how deeply painful words can be. Help them to put themselves in others shoes. Teach them love not fear. Teach them to admit their wrongs. And for those of you that continue to cause emotional and physical hurt, SHAME on you!
I thank God everyday for amazing parents, family and true friends. For without them I myself might not be here today. I have forgiven those people whom have caused me pain over the years. And hopefully if I caused anyone pain and not admitted my wrongs, they have done the same for me.
Asking for bullying, hate crimes, etc to end is like asking for world peace, probably not gonna happen. But what can is that we who have been through it can help others walk through it as well. I can lead by example. I can teach and pray that my child will see my example and practice it as well. I may have forgiven but will never forget.
A wise woman (my sponsor) once told me,
“a good life IS the best revenge.”
So HAHA on all of those who intentionally picked on me and said hurtful things!! Good thing God is in charge and I’m not.
I am blessed to have love in my heart today and the power to let go. Not everyone got this chance. So today I will hold my head up proud in honor of all the kids who have taken their own lives cause they just couldn’t take it anymore. Today I pray for all those who seek or need God’s love.
We are all just people, each with our own ghosts and pasts.
It’s how we change, treat others, and choose to live in the moment that counts…”
Love & Hugs,
Clairey Grubbs
Lots to chew on here, Clairey. i was like yo uin many ways – people pleasing, etc. Most of us sensitive types are. Now, I was bullied a lot in school – physically and verbally. Emotionally destroyed at times. Suicidal too. Too much of a coward to do it, but I was so hurt. but I used that as my calling card and eventually used it justify my drinking. “Hey, if you had my life, you’d drink too…blah blah blah”. Silly now, but that was my foundation then. amongst other things.
I had many of those guys on my inventory when doing the steps, and now see them as the frightened and uncomfortable boys that they were. I had revenge fantasies about them. Horrible ones. Used to comfort me, even into my 40’s! and this is stuff that happened over 20 years ago. Talk about harbouring resentment. I have since forgiven them in my heart and I no longer need to feel that any more. And i don’t even feel the need to have revenge any more. I live well because I enjoy the serenity of it. Or at least try…lol.
But what you said about showing our kids how to live…wonderful. Passing it on. The difficult part about parenting is that is sometimes brings up old fears. Will they be bullied? How will they deal with it? Will they go into a shell like I did? So I learn to get out of MY own shell (I still have one) and show them how to deal with others in kind loving ways, but still creating boundaries. So I am learning at the same time…ha ha.
Anwyay, wonderful post…and my heart breaks every time a child takes their own life rather than be bullied. Ugh.
Love and light…and hugs
Paul
Oh those girls were on my 1st inventory as well! One of them is now in recovery and actually made amends to me which not only was a gift but a ginormous miracle! I too had revenge and suicide thought. My co-dependency actually was an asset when suicide ever entered my thoughts. I could never do that to my parents. Thank GOD! Honestly I still squirm when I see a couple of them post on mutual friends Facebook pages. Mostly at the uncomfortableness of those past moments. But they pass when I remember god and my amazing life now. Forgiveness of others is good but forgiving myself for never standing up for me is the true miracle. I spent years beating myself up far worse than they did.
As my son goes, I have those fears for him. I must remember he too has a higher power that loves him and wants him to be happy, joyous and free as well! Hopefully he will seek hi will when that time comes. He’s 20 months old this week so I’m gonna soak up the moment for now ;0)
I live utilizing my tools from the program in parenting though! Love and tolerance I being practiced often as he nears the 2 year mark! lol!
You and yours have been on my mind this weekend,
Keep on keeping on my friend!
(((((HUGS)))))