High on Hugs

Living, Loving, & Laughing at Life in Recovery

Pay Attention

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Yesterday was my first day pain-free and I felt like a human. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and even visually. This whole process of having a miscarriage has been tough in all aspects. I realize this isn’t a subject most speak of. I also am grateful that I am who I am because I’ve apparently helped a few by sharing my story. Yesterday I was just so happy to feel like me again.

Then it dawned on me. Yesterday, April 7th was my due date for our son Tanner. My happy, healthy, love of my life, almost 3-year-old boy!

Waiting for our miracle

Waiting for our miracle

You see for me, one of the greatest gifts is awareness. I would miss so much, so many daily miracles, blessings, and moments of gratitude if I don’t just get out of my own way, stop, and pay attention. It is really easy for me to feel sorry for myself and focus on the negative. I am notoriously a classic victim in my own mind. But!… If I slow this overactive brain of mine down, take a few deep breaths, and listen, watch, feel, be open, be willing, and admit there is something so much bigger than me out there…I just get smacked in the face with all the good shit in life. You know, the really really good shit that just makes you smile, your heart skip a beat, that feeling of overwhelming peace and serenity that engulf your being. That is when I find my happy place. That place where I am content in the moment. No sweating the past, no regrets. No anxious moments of the what ifs, future tripping, and filing myself with worry. That is when I am what the Great Spirit, God, The Universe, Mother Mature and the rest of the gang intended me to be. That Clairey is what I’ve spent days, months, years searching for. The happy, content, authentic Clairey.

Just living in love

Just living in love

So today, if you are anything like me and so busy, so wrapped up in a the day has ahead, all the insignificant bullshit really….STOP! Stop and take a deep breath! Stop and just be! Stop and pay attention, there is always gratitude to be found. ALWAYS! We just have to have the willingness to be aware! You will see it, you will find it…I promise. And when you do, all will be right. If only for a brief moment. But without those moments, I would not survive. Quite frankly, without those moments I don’t think any of us would.

So in the words of my sponsor, my friend, and a truly wise woman who I love with all my being, “pay the fuck attention people!”

You might just need that moment to make “it” all better.

Live-Love-Laugh-And HUG a lot. Life will take on new meaning.

The present is the gift

The present is the gift

Finding God’s Grace through loss and heartache

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It has been sometime since I’ve sat down and written. It is a great tool for me to process things and hopefully help someone along the way. Since I wrote last I’ve celebrated 7 years of recovery. I started making my handmade jewelry again and started a shop, check it out! Jewelry By Sassy! My relationship with my husband has grown and I love him more than ever. My son is almost 3 years old and I love everything about being his mom. We’ve had grand adventures as a family and shared lots of love and laughter.  I was pondering the other day over all I’ve gone through in the past 7 years in recovery. The most memorable years I’ve had!! (Laughing out loud on that statement.) I’ve also had some of the toughest situations and struggles I would have just preferred not to. Those times where using briefly popped in my head as a solution. The feelings I was having at the time I certainly did not want to feel.  And all those times I found the willingness to not pick up! To pick up a phone instead, to play the tape all the way through, to go to a meeting, to pray, meditate, call my sponsor, read some recovery literature, ask for help, and so on.

"To thine own self be true"

“To thine own self be true”

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Pray about difficulties – ???

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The Tetons and Jackson Lake
5/14

Hello all,

I’ve not written in some time. I can’t believe I actually thought my life would be boring without drinking and using! That being said, I’ve been soaking up the sun, finally, here in Wyoming. I’ve been busy enjoying life, trying to go to more meetings, loving my  2-year-old son, loving my husband, working with sponsees, calling my sponsor, and trying to balance it all!

Feeling as if I’ve unwillingly put my blog on hold I thought, “Why not include some different perspectives on life in recovery?”

So…I did one of the things I’ve learned to do in recovery… I ASKED FOR HELP!

I’d like to introduce you to my friend, Ashley B. She and my husband actually went to school together and used together in Washington (state). Ashley even pierced his ears when they were teenagers. I met Ashley on a road trip to Washington, prior to marrying my now husband. He was showing me all the places he had lived and played growing up. In the truck while driving we stopped to look at a house. Lo & behold he gets out as this gal is walking from behind the house. It was Ashley! She  just happened to be at her folks house doing some gardening! After introductions and after her and Cody played catch up we arrived at the fact that we were all in recovery! She and I instantly bonded. The god shots, multiple visits from them, phone calls, and a deep understanding between two women and their families can not be described by anything but maybe MIRACULOUS. And again, I thought my life was going to be over after getting sober! It had only just begun.

I am truly blessed in so many ways. The following is written by one of these blessings, a friend, and partner in recovery, Ashley Bell.

I love you Ashley. Thank you for your willingness to write a blog for us & not only talking the talk… but walking, hiking, singing, and  living it as well.

 You have what I want…..
Labor Day 2010
The Bell’s and Us-Labor Day 2010
 
” The third step prayer has much meaning to me. It was the first thing I ever read out of the big book. I had booked myself into a treatment center when I was 17. I had lived in the same small town and rarely left town unless there was a reliable supply of booze around.  After a few times when people would ask me to share or things would go wrong with the people I was with I decided that staying home in my parent’s basement was the safest most reliable choice to make. Beside I could stop carrying around the paper with my contact info in case someone found me dead, I was a bit dramatic but practical.
 
So I checked myself into a treatment center in the big city. Alone, surrounded by kids as crazy as me, and I had no idea how to be there. I was crying in my room one night about 2 nights in to my 35 day stay and a counselor came in. He showed me the third step prayer. I read it. For the first time I tapped into a power greater than me. I did not know what to do with it other than show up. What I know now and did not at the time was… it set in motion a pattern of living for my life,  to which I have clung to through many, many hardships and blessings.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to
Build with me and to do with my as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
That I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
That victory over them may bear witness to
Those I would help of Thy power,
Thy love,  and Thy way of life.
May I do thy will always!”

 (BB page 63)

When I first arrived they had me under watch because they were afraid I would ‘off’ myself in the shower. By the end they were putting bad kids in my room because I caught the buzz, to be had here in the rooms, as a result of the steps. Result of the prayer I prayed at the beginning, I think so.
Fast forward, many 4th steps, step 9’s and endless hours on the phone with my people and I’m in the car in Yellowstone National park and from the back seat comes my 4 year olds voice, “pray about difficulties”.
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My husband, who is also sober, and I start deciphering what that means. Asking many questions my husband realizes he’s talking about the 3rd step prayer. “Take away my difficulties”. You see my husband and I had been praying that prayer every morning in the car on our way to the adventure of the day all week we were on vacation and many times before that. We had no idea he was listening.
 
Raising kids sober is about as real as it gets. This is the time in my life I have had to work the hardest on my program out side of meetings. I don’t get to as many as I want to, I don’t go to as many functions as I used to and I don’t remember to do my daily inventory as much as I could. What do I get in exchange? I get the spiritual assignment of raising another human being while I stay clean and sober.
 
My victories over my difficulties are shown every day when I make a mistake. I get to own up to them in front of these little people who watch my every move and demonstrate what true humility is. And also what true happiness is. I don’t have to pretend things are not happening.I don’t have lie to them. I answer their questions honestly and treat them with the respect they deserve.
 
The third step prayer started me off to a pretty good start, kept me sober from that day to this, connected my husband and I on more than one occasion, and has now brought our son into the realm of a solution greater than himself. He has asked us to pray for him many times over the last 4 years, at least since he’s been able to talk. This was the first time he’s used our tools directly. What a gift to raise a family in a home based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions.
 
That day I prayed this prayer for the first time all I wanted was the pain to stop. I had no idea what was waiting for me down the road. If I got what I deserve I would be dead. If I got what I wanted I would have sold myself short. Today I have a life that is filled with relentless service, but as they say you have to give it away to keep it right?
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The Bell’s
 
I’ve been sober 13 years. Haven’t drank since my first meeting. People say to me all the time I wish I would have gotten sober as young as you. What I know is that idea keeps me separate from my fellows today, I’m grateful to be sober at all.”
 
Ashley Bell

I am SOFA KING !

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I am SOFA KING! I am SOFA KING! I am so-fa-king HIGH ON HUGS! 

I am not high on drugs. I have not relapsed!

I have however been on hiatus for a while now from the blogosphere. It has been quite some time since I have hopped on here to write or to read any of the blogs I follow.  Actually the last blog I wrote was for my acceptance of The Sunshine Award. Again big thanks to my sweet friend Maggie for the nomination.  I have numerous excuses for why I have not written. But as we all know excuses are like assholes…

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You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…

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sunshine-award

Howdy Y’all.

I am happy to be writing again. I owe it to my friend Maggie at Sober Courage . We have a lot in common other than being sober and words can not express how grateful I am to have found her. Whether you are in recovery or not, wondering if you want to get sober/clean or have someone you know that is in recovery or is struggling, it is my belief reading Maggie’s blog Sober Courage can give you some answers and hope. Check her out! She has nominated me for “THE SUNSHINE AWARD”. Thanks Maggie, I’m honored!

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2,193 days = 6 years (in a row)!!

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photo (7)Today like many days, I woke up. HAHAHA!

What is different about this day is I did so with no regrets, unlike my morning 6 years ago.

I had relapsed on my 90th day.  That night after a meeting I drank 1 & 1/2 glasses of wine.  I didn’t get drunk, but what I did do is something totally stupid.

You see when I checked myself into rehab 90 days prior as a cocaine addict and a self medicated manic-depressive (with more manic tendencies) and ADHD, I didn’t want to stop drinking and smoking pot.  I just wanted to not be a slave to cocaine anymore.

I didn’t have a drinking problem.

Hello, I wore a complete hole in my septum from snorting so much cocaine and then started cooking up crack cause my nose hurt too bad..

I’m a coke head not an ALCOHOLIC! Jeez people! [Read more…]

An Icicle’s journey

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iciclesMy recovery reminds me of the ever-changing icicle…
I too was cold and frozen in the beginning. I started to find comfort on my new-found path and my past started to melt away. My fears and awkward feelings slowly dripped down. Wait! This is uncomfortable! I’m not ready to let go of all these defects. They have been a part of me for so long. I don’t know how to function without them. I am unwilling and lacking faith. [Read more…]

A War in our Hearts

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20140102-101426.jpgA few weeks ago I shared a video I had seen on my High on Hugs Facebook page.
It was an interview with Mathew Perry. In my opinion he did an excellent job of describing the disease of addiction/alcoholism.


He was in quite the heated debate with a fellow named Peter Hitchens.

I will not give you my personal opinion on the Hitchens fellow. My parents told me if I don’t have anything nice to say, I probably shouldn’t say ‘it’ at all! That being said, I’ll let you all form your own opinion of the douche bag. OOPS!
The video had me enraged to say the least. I feel any of you reading this who are or have been in active addiction would agree as well. Here is the link to the debate ► 11:31► 11:31 www.youtube.com/w… Dec 16, 2013

Shortly after sharing the video I received a letter from a friend and veteran who gave me permission to share it anonymously.

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Wyoming SOBER FUN

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Who say’s you can’t have fun without drugs and alcohol? Not my AA family in Wyoming!

Wishing you all 365 days in a row in 2014 high on hugs & happy, joyous & FREE!

Grateful I have the choice to live in the moment! Thank God! Especially cause it free’s me from having to make a resolution! (Cue evil giggle!)

Today…
I AM HAPPY TO BE ME!

CLAIREY

A GRATEFUL ADDICT!

What are you grateful for?????

Sticks and Stones…

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This one is ‘from the vault’

I wrote the following some time ago in response to a friend’s niece who had lost one of her classmates to suicide. It really got me thinking how fortunate and blessed with God’s Grace I really am. I say God’s grace because that is the only explanation for the fact that I am still here and writing this to you all.

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